[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
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HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax