(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
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6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Hamburger Hinderer.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.