i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone