Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
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Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?