Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
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Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…