Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
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I wish gyms had a “montage” option
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Interior design 👌
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?