TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
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[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
#titanic
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.