I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
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Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
🤣🤣🤣🤣
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
fair
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.