From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
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Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?