Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
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I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Worlds greatest photobomb
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.