Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
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If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
incredible
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy