A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
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*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”