*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
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Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Why font matters.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Now, where’s the sport in that?
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.