War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
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I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”