wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
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Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
SCARY COSTUME
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first