professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
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Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking