*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
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detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H