“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
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My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf