When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
You Might Also Like
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
#oldknees
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.