Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I’m giving up for Lent.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen