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When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”