Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
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*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Breaking news:
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.