Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
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[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous