*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them