ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
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“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away