Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
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*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
who will stop them
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg