After 35, your body ages in dog years
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If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.