Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
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And then there were 4
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.