everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
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I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
accurate
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.