Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
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No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal