rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
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When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.