dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
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It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead