“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
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cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
The second world war should have been called world war returns
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*