Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
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The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping