I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
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My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.