You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
You Might Also Like
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO