I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
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[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes