saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
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*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
The Others (2001)
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.