[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
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One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
so i’m at the stock market right
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.