“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
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Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.