He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
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is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants