political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
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Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.