[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
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Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Sooo many times…..
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.