[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
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Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Yes, but it was never about money
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t