I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
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H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted