Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
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Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Bless you
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask