If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
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*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
inventing words: clothing
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
My time has come.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad