Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
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My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Yup.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.