There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
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sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron