2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
You Might Also Like
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I am laughing way too hard at this.